That Person

To be honest I did have a first love… it was an accident, we were just talking and we kept talking for 2 years.. and I got those weird feelings where I wouldn’t like that person to be with other people.

I got jealous easily and for some reason that person did too, without even noticing we started our relationship.. and my fluttered only towards that person… yet still does.

But honestly that relationship was just a mess, we didn’t get each other.. i loved that person with all my heart but I’ve grown tired of that person.

If you read my posts you’ll know why.. I’m a narcissistic, I’m self obsessed which means I always thought that I’m better without that person. There wasn’t a relationship after those 4 years. Oh well I’m better off without shitty people in my life right?

But now I don’t think I can love again, you know what I mean? It’s like I’ve tried it once and I failed why should I try again right?

To me it isn’t that way, my heart can’t love anymore.. it was that person and well it wasn’t worth it either.. i got hurt once so it like I don’t want to try it again, it’s not that I was hurt … it just felt pathetic to abuse my pride for someone else.

Abahahahahah aren’t I the pathetic one?

A confession

I just realised I’m narcissistic.. it’s a disorder where a person appeals to himself.

I don’t have it greatly that’s it’s obvious to the ones around me, but it’s good enough to effect them.
It’s where a person thinks greatly of himself that he starts question why don’t people see me the way I see myself.

This disorder makes me think a lot to be honest.. I admire myself way to much, that whatever I do makes me more fond of myself.. it’s weird right? Oh well..

I like myself way to much to have a crush on someone… and who I’d make fun of whoever confesses to me, yea as I said it effects people around me.

I don’t have a conscious, i don’t really feel guilty of whatever I do.. my feelings are constant they merely change, but the only thing that makes me feel mushy is when I make someone feel so happy that they appreciate me… here I go again, it doesn’t make me happy because they are happy.. it’s because they start to appreciate me.

It’s the worst when you know about it yourself…. Abahahahahah.

People will hate me if they knew this.. but since it’s a no-one - know - blog
Here you go.

I’m a narcissistic.

Why?

I don’t know what to say, maybe it’s because I like you… hopefully that’s not it.

All i have been up to lately has to do with you, i see you in people’s faces… I cannot not think about for 24 hours.
I care about you! That’s it! Right? I think it is..

Why do have to be here and there at the same time, can’t you just be here with me.. i don’t like it when you’re with others and act the way you act with me, I don’t believe this is healthy I just don’t like it when you think of me like everyone else.

Please see me as someone special to you.. just like I do, i don’t like you I just care about you.. maybe not just care.. i think I do like you.

I don’t know what I’m doing with my time if it isn’t about you.. I’m selfish when it comes to you, i just can’t handle the fact that you.. The one that is too special and important to me can be with someone else that doesn’t deserve you..

I’m alright if it’s not me.. i do believe that I don’t deserve you, but i want you to be with someone that really knows who you are.. someone who will love you and care about you as much as I do.

I may not be that person who can be next to you.. but i really hurt when you do, so please choose wisely.

My heart keeps pounding in pain, I can see you but I can’t reach you.. are you really there? I hope and wish that that is you!

But why wouldn’t you look back? please I beg you just notice me this one time!
I’m here! I’m looking at you! I want you to realize my feelings for you… Please look at me this one time..

I love you.. i love you! I don’t care what you think! But I beg of you.. Please just realize my heart..

I was..

Looking back.. i think I have committed a horrible sin towards myself.

"I was" it’s important to me that I make it clear when I say I was…

Back then, It wasn’t long ago but I was a really sensitive and caring person.. i would burst into tears if someone else is hurt.. maybe you’d call it pathetic but I restate this again, I WAS..

I used to think all the time about the people around me, when I’m free.. when I’m busy, there wasn’t a time where I’d stop thinking. I used to feel pain when others are hurt, I used to cry when others are sad… I used to get happy when others are smiling. I used to.. i miss those feelings now..

I… no more know what feelings are.. or what are they supposed to make you feel.. let’s just say I stopped my emotions from reaching my heart.. This sounds cheesy but it’s true.

Now? I don’t know what hurts and what should make me smile, I’d laugh and people will stare at me.. but i didnt know why.

Here and now after losing so much time and a lot of people.. i just realised what I did to myself, I prevented my mind from thinking about anything other than what I’m doing, I wouldn’t stop and think about anything else. Now that my mind have been corrected to my needs, I don’t know if I should be regretting it.

I’ve fixed my whole lifestyle, that my mind would go blank if I had nothing to do. I’ll just stare at random objects and create a storyline where my life would be perfect.

I like the way I am but I miss those feelings of joy and sadness. I want to feel sad just for a moment, just once more.. i want to need someone, I want to feel happy when that person appears. I want to feel loved.

I maybe lost you for good. I can’t fix the way I am, but I wish you a good life! You were awesomely great.

You were there when I was alone.. and that’s all I needed.

Abahahhaha I guess I’m pathetic.