My heart keeps pounding in pain, I can see you but I can’t reach you.. are you really there? I hope and wish that that is you!

But why wouldn’t you look back? please I beg you just notice me this one time!
I’m here! I’m looking at you! I want you to realize my feelings for you… Please look at me this one time..

I love you.. i love you! I don’t care what you think! But I beg of you.. Please just realize my heart..

I was..

Looking back.. i think I have committed a horrible sin towards myself.

"I was" it’s important to me that I make it clear when I say I was…

Back then, It wasn’t long ago but I was a really sensitive and caring person.. i would burst into tears if someone else is hurt.. maybe you’d call it pathetic but I restate this again, I WAS..

I used to think all the time about the people around me, when I’m free.. when I’m busy, there wasn’t a time where I’d stop thinking. I used to feel pain when others are hurt, I used to cry when others are sad… I used to get happy when others are smiling. I used to.. i miss those feelings now..

I… no more know what feelings are.. or what are they supposed to make you feel.. let’s just say I stopped my emotions from reaching my heart.. This sounds cheesy but it’s true.

Now? I don’t know what hurts and what should make me smile, I’d laugh and people will stare at me.. but i didnt know why.

Here and now after losing so much time and a lot of people.. i just realised what I did to myself, I prevented my mind from thinking about anything other than what I’m doing, I wouldn’t stop and think about anything else. Now that my mind have been corrected to my needs, I don’t know if I should be regretting it.

I’ve fixed my whole lifestyle, that my mind would go blank if I had nothing to do. I’ll just stare at random objects and create a storyline where my life would be perfect.

I like the way I am but I miss those feelings of joy and sadness. I want to feel sad just for a moment, just once more.. i want to need someone, I want to feel happy when that person appears. I want to feel loved.

I maybe lost you for good. I can’t fix the way I am, but I wish you a good life! You were awesomely great.

You were there when I was alone.. and that’s all I needed.

Abahahhaha I guess I’m pathetic.

Useless?

"Am I useless?" My mind was occupied with this question for too long.

Humans carelessly live among one another, they live freely as if life as we know it won’t ever change.

I shall share some of my opinions with you. Humans are weaklings, they are useless without the support they get from each other, the loss of a close one can destroy a person emotionally… And some can’t retrieve from that phase.

What would you do if you were alone? No one to push you forward, no one to encourage you? A normal human being would fall apart. Us humans are useless selfish creatures, we do nothing at all and we expect a lot in return.

We think money is power, we think gaining money is an achievement.. let me tell you money is just a piece of paper with value. Getting excited for money isn’t shameful but hear me out here.

We are the ones who gave that piece of paper value and power to control us emotionally, that’s why we are useless…Instead of giving yourself more value and power to control what you want and what you like.. you just had handed it over to the people with the most amount of money.. now tell me aren’t we just pathetic?

Shameful.

My lust towards you.. that I am shameful of.

My eyes following where ever you go.. that too I am shameful of.

But i can’t apologies for thinking about you.. I’m tired of thinking about you day and night, but I don’t even notice that my mind was occupied by you.

It’s a subconscious habit I gained when we used to talk.. I’d be worried sick about you, i wouldn’t know if we’re alright or ill.

So please vanish. I don’t want to see you before me anymore. I beg you to leave, you cause me to much pain with just your existence.

Change.

As a person with feelings, I can say what I please.

I wasn’t created to satisfy you expectations or imagination. You can lure whoever you want and make them into whatever you please. But me? I’m fully aware of what I believe in and what I want to become.

You can’t change the content of my heart to your desires, I’m a stubborn person. So ill put you at rest, cause convincing me is useless.

Goodluck with that pathetic life of yours!

You Bastard.

it was a random meeting, i suspected nothing. We started talking for hours about nonsense, i admit i enjoyed talking to you… but i saw you everyday we never managed to speak face to face.

Our strange relationship was very interesting, it wasn’t friendship… we were way closer.. but it wasn’t love -mentioning love while talking about me and you sounds weird- but i wouldn’t mind… since its you.

we spent hours talking day and night.. i loved our random chats although thinking to back then, i don’t even remember what we talked about, all i remember were our bursts of laughter in the evening and gasps for air at night.  i didn’t mention mornings did i? mornings… from time to time i would look at you, cause i felt your stares but they didn’t bother me.. i kinda miss it.

our calls, well i wouldn’t call them calls.. since you’d be either throwing a tantrum about an assignment or singing some song, well id be just humming to your song. if our assignment were too long id be up late finishing up, while listening to you sleeping, you asked me if it bothered? i just avoided the question, but heres the real answer.. it never bothered me listening to your mumbles and hums while you sleep put me at peace.

to you i was mean and sarcastic i just didn’t want to get attached to you… but i was already too attached but i didn’t notice.

asking me not to hang while you sleep, asking for stories, telling me about your life… none of these bothered me, i loved listening to those stuff.

i never thought id be flustered by those words you said at the end.. i just finished everything up and asked you to stop talking to me.    But there was a problem.. i get to see you everyday, but you did as i asked… you stopped noticing me, bits and pieces of me broke off whenever you passed by me.

please look at me just once more, look at me in the eye.. and just hear me out.  I’m sorry i got too attached i was frightened, i didn’t want to lose you so i broke it off.  So as always I’m too late but here is the reply to those last words… ” I love you too.. you bastard”